An easy pick for Number One. Let us all give thanks for one of the most bizarro spectacles ever aired on live TV. Creed let the healing begin all across this nation, as families everywhere dropped their drumsticks and asked each other, “What in tarnation is going on here?” Scott Stapp, in his own Cowboys uniform, leads this surreal butt-rock ballet. Dancers in red devil costumes frolic with horrific ear-to-ear grins. Mousse Jesus starts punching the air while he belts “Higher.”
Then…my lord…no…
It’s a bald mutant shirtless angel demon flying through the air in silk chiffon wings. Red, white, and blue ribbons flutter in the air. Who is that guy — an alien? A eunuch? The naked dude on the cover of Rush’s Hemispheres? Now there’s more of them. Two of the bald angel men make sweet love in mid-air as the camera cuts to horrifying 9/11 footage. Scott Stapp grins with demented joy. But we’re only halfway through. The mimes are here! They’re dancing in black leotards! Wait, now there’s a gospel choir in Roman collars, marching in to sing the old African-American spiritual “The Worst Creed Song Ever.”
Oh wait, no — the bald sex angels are still at it. Will somebody grab a butterfly net? “Children, don’t stop dancing,” Scott sings to a swarm of terrified-looking toddlers. The gospel choir sways side to side. Hey, is that Jennifer Aniston? No? Okay, we might be finished here. No, oh no, we’re not. It’s the big final moment. Oh, that poor little girl in her white dress. She looks like her parents just told her they lost her pony in a bet on the Cowboys. Now she’s here to hold up a white-winged dove. Fly away, dove! Fly free! Flutter on, feathery symbol of human hope! Meanwhile, this girl is trapped here on a football field with Creed. There’s smoke in the air. Seven minutes of hell. What have we done, America? What have we done? From sea to shining sea, viewers crawl on the carpet and weep and promise their higher powers it’s the last time they’ll ever slip shrooms into the cranberry sauce.
This Creed halftime show happened 24 years ago. It is a legend. None of us will ever forget it. A nation that allows this to happen deserves no better. Let us give thanks to Creed for giving us an immortal Thanksgiving miracle that keeps on giving. Top that, Jack White.
