Team: Dallas Cowboys
Prediction: [Rhett Miller’s Dallas Cowboys 2026 Season Prediction by a 7th-generation Texan and Lifelong Cowboy Fan Rhett Miller: An Essay.]
When will Jerry Jones, The Owner, fire Jerry Jones, The General Manager?
This is the question we ask ourselves year after year. No scandal can oust him from his perch atop the Cowboys’ totem pole. No amount of failure, and he has accumulated a significant amount, can shake his belief in himself as the consummate “football man.” So, yes, I just completed my annual reread of Craig Miller’s Guide to Never Again Buying Into the Cowboys By Craig Miller (yup, he put his name in the title twice because it’s a pretend book, BUT IT’S A REAL ISSUE), and as always I find myself buying into the Cowboys anyway.
I like Brian Schottenheimer despite people’s universal insistence on calling him Shotty. His offense last year kicked a lot of ass. The D? Not so much. But the Christian Parker Defensive Shift is Underway and The Dallas Defense Finally Has Their War Daddy (both of these are titles of Substack essays by my buddy Bob Sturm, who’s the final word in Cowboys coverage), so to quote the title of the 1998 Sandra Bullock vehicle (which features the Old 97’s song “Jagged”), Hope Floats. But does it float like a mighty warship or a lowly turd?
Do y’all remember that the Cowboys went 7-9-AND ONE last season? They tied the Green Bay Packers in a 40-40 game. A scorigami! That’s a sign of a team that’s cursed. Again, I’m looking at you, Jerry.
But. But!
I can’t help but agree with Old 97’s lead guitarist Ken Bethea, who just emerged from his bunk on our tour bus and announced, “Cowboys are gonna win the fucking Super Bowl!”
So there you have it. The Cowboys are gonna win the fucking Super Bowl.
